CONFIDENCE

I have heard people talk about the secret to life, secret to success, how to achieve your dreams and so forth. And as much as their thesis might be true I wish to state here on this blog post that I think there’s only one secret to success CONFIDENCE! Scientists relate confidence with the outcome of a hypothesis (Statistics), but in this post we are going to discuss what happens before the results of their hypothesis. In reference to the confidence discussed in this post I am talking about self-confidence mostly, one’s self-esteem. I cannot think of any plausible achievement without confidence, and I do not believe anybody in this world has achieved some form of success without some degree of confidence. Well if confidence is that important why do some of us lack it or shy away from it because we do not want to be label as being cocky, proud, offensive etc…? As I grow older I begin to see my past in a very naïve manner and I hope some of you keep reading my posts because I learn every day from your inputs and comments. Please feel free to join in every conversational topic on this blog. Let's talk!

My cousin is about to graduate from high school. I am so fond of her and love her a lot. We were discussing some of the colleges she may want to apply to and in her response to one of the colleges I suggested, she said "I'll never get in, do you know how hard it is to get into such colleges? I do not have what it takes" Granted that there are certain colleges that go through a rigorous admission process, I still felt so disappointed and confused. She is super smart, she went to a private engineering middle school, she is a natural leader, and she is caring and plays in her high school band among other accomplishments. So what happened to her? What has changed? Why the lack of self-confidence? Trying to understand my cousin’s problem led me to write this post. We all might have witness that person we all have the highest expectations for, see them look down on themselves or we might have gone through such periods ourselves. Whenever you doubt yourself you begin your first step to loosing your confidence. 

I had to look into myself first to understand my cousin. I know I am a confident person. Sometimes when I look at the way some of my friends and family depict their lack of confidence I begin to realize that I also express such symptoms too; You walk with your head down, can't make or sustain direct eye contact with others, do not accept compliments well, apologize and feel guilty, you will even get frustrated, impatient and often angry…..I do not think a confident person expresses themselves like this… always depressed, using negative and hopeless language, can’t engage with others and take things too personally, restless, violent….I will stop here because the list continues, the point is I am not saying if you have ever exhibited such symptoms like I have, you are less confident but staying with them will definitely make you more and more less confident and weak. Yes I think lack of confidence is a sign of weakness too! I just want to add something here talking about weaknesses as a lack of confidence. If you have ever witness a man that hits a woman (which is the most disgusting thing in the world), I want you to recognize that that person lacks self-confidence too and in most extent self-esteem. Yes men with low self-esteem always result into violence with women. Same goes to a woman who stays in a bad relationship. My thoughts on this topic will be discussed further in a later post.

In one of my earlier posts visions I wrote "Think of the universe as in the fable (story) of 'Aladdin and the Lamb'. Whatever your wish is, the Djinni (Genie) will grant it!" That is how confidence works like the universe. Declare your intent and go get it, because it has already been granted! I think no matter what your situation is in this world, we all have a story of triumph, a story of success, a story of victory or better yet a story of failure, but we are still here. And for those who have not gotten one yet it is just a matter of time. It is not optimism it is our birth right! Look deep into your story and draw confidence from that and if you are already a confident person then remind yourself of your uniqueness whenever you doubt yourself. Most of the things that stimulate doubts in our mind are probably things we should not be pursuing in the first place. That is to say "false confidence". I think going after something that is not yours will generate the mistake of thinking you are not good enough. This can be very damaging to your confidence and personal growth in general. I cannot be confident that I am going to be the president of the United States when I have no interest in becoming a politician. False confidence will generate doubts in most cases, so the caution is finding what your strength is and then start off like a train, with nothing on your way to stop you when you start. Finding your strength should not be that hard or complicated, in my earlier post careers we discussed earnestly about how you discover what it is you are really good at. Just like false confidence we can also talk about Overconfidence, well there is a thin line between being confident and overconfident. As much as confidence can generate the best outcomes, overconfidence can also generate the worst outcomes. I will think that staying within your confidence level is just appropriate. Everybody like heroes but overconfidence just like false confidence can be curbed by recognizing your ability before start off.

If you walk into any situation with the confidence that you can successfully overcome it, even when you fail you will still feel satisfied. That is what confidence brings out. Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen? Take calculated risks and keep at it. We are all unique in our own way, which means there is something about you that nobody has or share. Nothing/nobody can make you confident except yourself, it should come from within. I think your parents and friends can help and guide you but it is an inert quality. It's You! Confidence is like a religion, blind faith. Christians have not seen God but they believe in him. I want to believe that there are people who, may be due to their childhood conditions did not have the available support to nurture self-confidence but I think it will only be a matter of time, before they reach home, that is when they meet the right conditions. So there really isn't any excuse for lack of confidence! There is so much out there to be grateful for and too many opportunities given to us regardless of our situation. Humble people have confidence in themselves too! That is how they achieved all they have. Martin Luther King is a great example of somebody who was confident but very humble, he got slapped several times in public in his fight for civil rights but he stayed the course because he knew where and what he was trying to achieve. So let’s not confuse being confident as a vice to humility.

To my cousin, I think if I did not know her well I would have agreed with her assessment of the difficulty in getting into such colleges but I do know her and I can recall all she has been through. Growing up is hard and it is easy for teenagers to sway into different directions but that is why the adults are there. With all she has prepared for I believe she has the arsenal to go to any top tier university in the nation but sometimes instilling that belief into another person is hard. For now I can only hope she realizes it fast, and read this blog post. LOL……

Thanks for reading and please don’t forget to share your comments with me and other readers….

PREJUDICE

Earlier this summer I took a tri-state trip in the Ohio-Michigan area visiting family and friends. After that trip I really cannot recall if it was the books I was reading at the time or just the awareness of change in some of my old friends I met, but I took a vow to stop judging people and being prejudice no matter what! I can give myself a B+ since then in trying to enact this change in my life but there is still a lot to do. I think philosophers or all those who study human behavior must agree with me when I say it is a part of human characteristic to be prejudice or pass judgment on others. It is just inevitable. I mean we all do it, in our homes, groups, churches and race. If it is this general why talk about it then? In this blog post I simply want to share my experience and reiterate the fact that it is one of the worst ills in our society.

The fundamental reason why anybody will pass judgment on another will be because in their standards they think or believe that person is not doing right or they are just plain better than them. I say this because in my case this is true! But why? This summer I came to realize how ignorant or devious such feelings or thoughts are. You even begin to wonder why you have been behaving like that all along. I think even with people that do their best not to judge others it is grueling not to do so. Sometimes you might do it without knowing, sometimes it just comes from a place of hatred and most times it comes from us trying to advise others. (Critics are not prejudice although there is a fine line.) In some higher studies prejudice is mostly geared towards groups/people in categories such as ethnicity, religion, social class, age, sexuality etc. but I'm not going to discuss that in this blog post.

I consider myself pretty lucky, or in a Christian sense blessed! When I look back on how my life could have been compared to my childhood, I appreciate all that my parents and family did for me and even dream further! Even though there have been sad times or disappointments I can honestly say there have never been a point in my life where I thought I could not make my dreams a reality or even doubt my future success. Like I cannot even begin to see where I can fail. This summer I heard stories from some very close friends, actually gossips of what they thought my life was. It was pretty strange to hear their version of my life-their prejudice-through the eyes of these guys. Yes we are told to ignore the negativity that life brings, I do not think so, even though you should not engage in the argument but when you hear somebody you like or consider close talk about you that way it is healthy to take a second and understand why they did, looking from their perspective. Obviously I thought why bother about what they think but then I started realizing that I do the same to others. So hearing first hand criticisms of what some of my friends think of me prompt me to abandon this life of prejudice! I began to understand how much of a cycle it all is.

Further let us take a simple test Consider two friends complaining about each other; listen to the complaints or the version of the first friend reasons, listen with an open mind then consider the complaints of the other friend. You might conclude several things but I bet you will find that in each other position they believe they are right and better. Just as one of them may have several valid reasons why the other person will fail or is doing something wrong, the other friend share almost the same thoughts. That’s how malignant prejudice is! If you settle your differences this way or move forward with such ideologies you will soon find yourself in a life of hate, fear, inferiority complex and eventually crimes!

I am black and I live in Texas I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have pass judgment on people or witness other pass judgment on me because of my race, ethnicity, color etc. But that is all gone now! One of my friends asked me the other day about racism. I told her for a long time and even now I believe racism is man-made and instigate lots of hatred and fear among people but my approach to racism lately has change very much. You see in Africa we have over 100 tribes in one small region and what is considered racism in the USA is practiced everyday among these peoples and I will assume in most parts of the world. So when I tried to understand this I concluded that when you met somebody you do not know or have heard derogatory stories about them, your default position is fear. In a state-of-fear you will exhibit negative racial behavior and many more prejudicial characteristics, if you get to know this person and even not becoming their friend but understanding who they are, all that racial and color barriers will be wiped out!

You put yourself in a superior position every time you pass quick judgment on another person, and because you do not have all the facts about that person you will always be wrong! I tell you there is so much beauty and joy among us when we try to practice a prejudice-free life! I think to overcome prejudice the number one thing to do is to seek to understand, try to get the facts. When the facts seem to confirm your prejudice, you should then leave some space for reasonable doubt. This may sound pretty naive especially for people who might have suffered from deceit and heartbreak, but it works! I will personally confess that in my first semester in Texas A&M University, I really did not make a lot of friends or open up to a lot of people but that has all change now. I am proud to say it will take a lot for me to pass quick judgment on a person even when my judgment seem too obvious to be right, and this is not because I found God it’s just because I have realized how treacherous it is and how much it has alienated lots of close friends and opportunities!

There is no guarantee that we can all get along in this current society, but if we cannot prevent prejudice then at least ignore the person or situation and move along. You cannot force yourself to love a person but don’t force yourself to hate them because of your preconceived ideology! Seek to understand first! There are so many treasures you will find in doing that. Thanks for reading my blog and I hope to read your comments…………….