Monday, August 10, 2009

RELATIONSHIPS

We have read so many books/novels, watched lots of movies/TV shows, listened to the best love ballads/songs and in our daily lives gone through a unique experience when it comes to relationships. When I blog about relationships, please disregard all the various types and categories and realized am talking about couples dating in a relationship. Now for those within my community with all the wedding ceremonies we have attended this summer, D.C Maryland, Boston, Houston, Dallas it makes you wonder how these people arrive at this stage and then I begin to compare my current situation, hence the blog. It is such a cliché, we all know relationships start happily and should end with everlasting happiness but most of them end with sadness. Let me freestyle my thoughts base on my previous relationships.

When I meet a girl, within the first 5 seconds I can determine if she is relationship material or a fling and I think girls do the same. if I conclude she is relationship material then the trouble begins; my ego has never let me prevail in the courting stage, because I feel like if am into a girl she is lucky, and if she is not into me then what is the point trying to convince her otherwise, you end up burning so much just to get your heart broken plus her getting with me is a win-win for both parties. Now you can also recognize that she is probably into you but she needs assurance either way my ideal girl will be the one that really gets the feeling or spark as we meet and roll with it. You’re either into me or not! No hassle mama!

When a relationship begins everything is wonderful, fun and exciting. My thing here is how can I capture this moment and make it last all through the other stages. If I were to meet a relationship expert all I will ever want to know is “how can I make this beginning last till the end and nothing changes?" you all know how this stage is; everything is just so perfect. Unfortunately true love does not really begin at this stage, hence the theory; one must fall out of love to be in love. Simply means you must go through a test to discover if you were really in love with each other or not. That leads us to the trouble period...

To me this is where the relationships actually begin, because reality sets in. You begin to see each other differences and distance yourselves from each other little by little. You know I got to confess in my childish years all my relationships ended here, because I could not understand how she has a different view than I have, it will always lead to us trying to superimpose our ideology on each other and gradually developed some form of hatred and frustration of the next person. Usually you will start hearing her say "I need some space", "I cannot argue right now am going to bed",then finally let's take a break" at this point you realized it is over.It's no wonder why almost 95% of all break ups/divorce occur at this stage. So to all the girls that I have ended a relationship at this stage you got to admit we never actually had a relationship, sorry but we just got excited and that was it, we were never in love. Let me add that at this stage one partner is always still in a romance stage while the other has already move on so it usually hurts, they say "life's a prison when you are in love alone” It is necessary to reclaim yourself as a whole person otherwise you die inside or end up hating your partner.

After the hassle real love begins a relationship that survives the trouble period will likely end up in marriage or something very positive and constructive. I say when you look at those ex couples who are still genuine friends, not the ones that hook up from time to time for occasional sex; the ones who genuinely break up and respect each other afterwards then you can conclude they survived the trouble era. The next stage is more of stability and constructive planning for the future. I felt really trapped here, it is like now you know your differences with your partner, and you guys seem to have agreed to disagree. Now you can relax nobody wants to think about the future it is kind of undecided, I am certain this will be the first time most couples start going to counseling. You know the relationship gets really boring at this stage, you have just gone through a power struggle and everybody is tired, although you have settled to accept each other but there's just a cloud of gloom in the air. See the thing here is you know each other's history, relationships are hard, but if you are to break up with your partner this is the perfect stage; because you either decide to have a mutual respect for each other point of view after the horrible ordeal of arguments and break ups you experienced in the latter stage or you realize you cannot put up with each other and chicken out lol! DECISIONS DECISIONS!! What we gonna have? DESERT or DISASTER?

The next phase is my best after the first stage. This is where our fore fathers cautioned it is best to decide to get marry or not. I believe you both come to an awareness of who you really are, plus you have a clear understanding of who your partner is, now tell me why it wouldn't be easy to make clear choices? It’s like you know you do not need each other but you have chosen to be with each other. From here those who have decided to stay together begin to create a fortress. Here you build a family and set out to conquer the world. These are the power couples and that saying that "behind every successful man is a strong woman" comes into fulfillment here. In this stage you both more than understand each other, you more than love each other, and though I have never experience this I will think at this stage you just complete each other. if my research leads me down the right part this will be the stage where I will like to recreate the beginning again.


I got three sisters and they all have three different views about relationships as manifested in their current relationships, sometimes I feel like am blessed to understand them but I must confess I have never taken my time to develope a real relationship, but believe me when I say I have been learning a lot growing up with them and my friends. while writing this blog I had a brief interruption from my boi Mike (shout to JP Fleur-Dallas), while having a late dinner he shed some lights on how he looks at relationships, I must say everyone out there due to your circumstances or experience have a unique perspective on this please do not hesitate to share with me and thank you so much for reading thus far. this has been my longest post.


BOOK RECOMMENDATION



THE COUPLE'S JOURNEY: Intimacy as a Path to Wholeness
By Susan Campbell, Ph.D.

16 comments:

AFA said...

Hmm!!! Very true, that they are various stages in a relationship..Personally I believe the hardest part of a relationship is the second stage, where we start wanting space or a break..from the relationship.I believe if the two people have an understanding on the various stages of relationship,most relationships will work out just fine and grow a lot stronger..Thx for this Aben...

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha, im sorry i had to mess up with your thoughts for a lil'while, i know how it feels to be on a flow. I think it is really interesting that u choosed to blog about Relationships cuz we all have vast views about it. But the essentials(stages like u said) remain the same, once we hit the second stage, it all about understanding, sacrifice and patients for one another. when we can finally matter our feelings when it comes to "agree to Disagree", then we can develop the real love for our partner and move up to the next stage. When we don't succeed, then respect for our ex is the mature thing to do. Thx Aben, you inspire me lol

Anonymous said...

wow! Aben u r so smart and i luv wat u said there,more grease baby!

The Don said...

U have spoken like a true love DOC...Time and patience are the essence of relationships.Time unravels love, compatibility and trust; whereas, patience concreticises the core of a relationship.

Tonge said...

Wow, this is really how it works. Relationships is something we often take for granted. I am going to focus more on how to make it last. Before we even get into a relationship, its not something that we into because all our friends have rlnships, it should be because you want to get involved into something bigger than your self. Most relationships don't last because we do not lay the foundation on what its supposed to be. One thing we should know is that, the other person, whether the guy or the girl, is an entirely different individual from yourself, and hence, this comes with a lot of things. When i talk of different, its vast, ranging from personality, likes, dislikes..... you can go on and on with this list. And we should also know that one thing that is constant and consistent in life is CHANGE. we should be able to adapt to these changes when they set.

In the beginning of a relationship, i call it " the in-love state" you don't get to see so many things like the other person's flaws and weakness. These are the things that starts causing disagreements that you people fail to agree on, you start asking your self, why is does he/she not do things he/she use to do, i tell you my fellow reader, i am certain that those things he/she did not do them, you were just so blind to see it in the beginning. Its more of a mirage than a relationship especially if the relationship started on something not genuine. Some relationships starts and the sparkle never dies, and we turn to wonder why that is. Respect is ultimate and mutual, putting the other person first can really make a relationship last for a long time. A relationship, that is built on LOVE is going to last for long. Loves come with all the ingredients that we need to sustain our relationship. I personally don't believe that love grows in a relationship, i have been there and throughout the years, the relationships has grown from some kind of love to a boring state, that true love never really developed.

I know for sure that we all have our ideals when in comes to relationships. These ideals are different and vary from person to person. Sometimes, we don't get to see the insight of the person that captured our attention in the beginning. So i advise, we don't jump into a relation. I agree with you with you say, a girl should be into you. That is definitely true. The more reason why you should get to know the person, talking and listening is essential. One thing i have learnt is that, you can't mask your behaviour for long. Infact, somebody said, i quote " Character id like pregnancy, you can't hide it, even with a calabash". So soon or later you will fins out if that is the person you want to be with or not. And if the rlnships possibility is not there, then there is a breakup.

Relationships that leads into marriage, is not because they have known each other, its rather because they can tolerate and accommodate each other in everything. No matter how u date a guy/girl, you will never get to know that entirely, man's heart is deeper than the deepest ocean, with that in mind, all you can do is your best with the grace that God gives you. This relationships end up into marriage because, the girl has shown that she can be the head of the home and not the family, she has given the guy, all respect due a man, and he feels his ego is in place, so he goes ahead and makes a life time commitment. They are able to look pass each others flaws and weakness, and make strong their strengths. They have realized that talk about everything and there is some absence when the other is absent, they feel empty and think that life is worth more with each around.

I can go on and on, let me get to work. It always a pleasure to share my opinion in you blog. Keep it up dear! God bless!

peace said...

yah relationships,this is a very interesting topic to blog on.given that human beings have darksides,to my opinion,this whole thing is base on tolerance,understanding,coporation,learning to live with each others flaws.we can go on and on.once you can not do all these then i rather you people let go,because either ways one person is going to get hurt.love comes in when you finally discover the real person in each other and make that decision to be witheach other despite all odds.no human being is perfect,but God obviously has it all planned.some people meet for the first time and immediately have that bond, but its not thesame with every body.hence you need to feel that connection, then you accept to studying each other and all those stages just like aben said.put one thing don't be too quick to judgements i suggest if two people decide to get into a relationship, they should really take their time to study each other else they make the wrong decisions.i know we all are adults here,good luck guys in all your relationships and thanks to aben for this blog

peace said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
assidine said...

Wow "le Molar"! You did a good job breaking down the stages of relationship. You said everything. There is nothing to add. But you know me; I always have something to say. Most people say they want to be in a relationship that will last forever. The big majority of these guys do not mean it. They just want to enjoy the presence each of one another.
Men and women think differently. I don’t need to go back on mind set of the both gender. Women have tendency to rush everything in a relationship. They envisage how their futures will look like with their respective partners (marriage, kids, houses, etc). In the other side, most men think about the present time. They all go through cycle. At a certain moment in their lives, they will realize that they really need to stop playing around and build a family. That is why in most case it seems like women are always the victims of a break up. They feel like they gave too much or were more committed than their partners.
In order for a relationship to works, both partners have to works together. They need to be committed, and trust each other. Trust is the base of a relationship. Both partners have to disagree sometime and be different. They cannot always have the same opinion. I am a scientist person. This is how I see thing. She/he has something you don’t necessary have; and you have something she/he does not necessary have. Therefore, you + she/he are complementary and can do good…

Anonymous said...

Like i said Abben, Marriage is the beginning of an adventure and i agree with with everything you said. People choose to be with each other because they understand and respect each other.

Anonymous said...

okkkkkk, aden hilaire " le molar", you just narrated a general view on relationships, but as a psychologist, i have something better for u all. to start with, there is nothing as "LOVE". it is an allusion we biuld in our mind when we met some one at a stage in life. this generally occurs when we so badly want a relationship. thhe most important point in a relationship is "friendship". make her ur friend and see how it goes. people easily reconcile with their friends after a fight but coupels do not even one to see each other any more. i am using simple english coz i want u to understand. if u go out in search for love, u will not find it. but try going out in search for a friend,and u will get her as quick as u could ever imagin.persons that believe in love, be it woman or man are they once that quickly grow ou of it. LOVE HURTS when believe in it. U must believe in friendship, fun, companion, laughter, etc and put love at a far end to have long,lasting, healthy and truthful relationship . ok Mister, hope that helped. take care

Etchu said...

A well-thought piece!!!

Anonymous said...

James said....
when it comes to social issues, particularly relationship issues, my boy, there is NO FORMULAR, NOT even RULES OF THUMB. Instead lots of people fall victim to "the illusion of knowledge"

britney said...

:) I love this post. This is my second time reading it...I've totally progressed from one stage to another. We've been through a lot. Looking forward to see how things work out. Fingers crossed for the best!

Rosemary said...

Good job bro!!!!

Anonymous said...

you are smart beyond your years Aben. I admire you. I had to read this and I can agree with you on the no hassle. When one person loves another person they dont let things stand in there way. The take risks and follows there heart. Which is what i should have done years ago rather then give up cause things seemed too hard. I miss you and believe it or not i will always love you.

Anonymous said...

Aben please accept my friend request .I would leave my phone number here but its bad idea too many eyes. I Love You with all my heart and I promise if u give me another chance I wont give up.You are the one I want and dont want to leave with the constant regret that i never tried. I dont know if u are ever on this anymore or what but I know no other ways to reach you. I know how much i messed up years ago and dont wanna make the same mistakes twice which is y im writing this.This is gonna b kinda long im warning ya lol. actually just check your email i will just email it rather than leave it on here for all the eyes. Again I Love you body,mind,heart and soul. You will never know what you mean to me.

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